Is Calipari Sweating Yet? Who Knows ... He's In China

Saturday, Memphis appears before the NCAA Infractions Committee to discuss the Derrick Rose -- excuse us, name redacted -- imbroglio. Kentucky coach John Calipari will not be physically present. Why not? Because he has a previously scheduled trip to China. Boy, is that convenient. Coach Cal has known since mid-January that Memphis would be appearing before the infractions committee on June 5-7, 2009 (the letter preceding the notice of allegations informed Memphis of this date), and he just happens to schedule a trip to China during that time?

What a coincidence!

Calipari informed the NCAA via letter that he'd love to attend the hearing, but would be in China. The NCAA replied that they wanted him there anyway, by phone if necessary, foiling Calipari's ultimate rejoinder. "The NCAA hearing? I don't know anything about that. I was in China when they had the infractions hearing!"

This would be much funnier if I didn't believe the China gambit was planned by Coach Cal solely to put him as far as physically possible from the hearing, literally on the other side of the globe from Indianapolis. High comedy.

I'm picturing Cal sitting on the phone with his agent crossing off potential travel destinations. Cal to cronies, "I've got to be outside the country, as far from America as I can possibly get." It's a wonder Cal didn't choose to explore the virgin areas of the Amazon, so that this letter could arrive from his counsel:

NCAA meet college basketball's own, Dr. Livingstone. One half expects for NCAA chairman Myles Brand to show up in Hangzhou with his hand outstretched, "Coach Calipari, I presume."

But honestly, is anyone else surprised? Cal to China during an NCAA hearing is, roughly speaking, five billion times as predictable as Nixon to China ever was. The only thing more ridiculous would be if Derrick Rose was currently visiting Australia. Or in China with Cal. (Does anybody have a GPS on World Wide Wes? I've heard he's a longtime disciple of the Dalai Lama. He's in the only place in the world where a cell phone ringing leads directly to lobotomy. Wes and Richard Gere are playing hide the gerbil from China.) Meanwhile Memphis athletic director R.C. Johnson is putting his master's degree in P.E. from Northern Iowa to work. He's standing in front of a large globe.

"Astounding," Johnson remarks as he prepares for the NCAA hearing where he'll toss up his hands and say Memphis knew nothing about Rose's eligibilty, "who knew the world was round? Bully, we'll just dig a hole straight to China and that way Coach Cal can be both places at once."

Meanwhile Coach Cal is learning all he can about the Ming dynasty. He's always been a huge fan of the Ming dynasty. That's what he'll tell the UK basketball faithful when he comes back from China. "Y'all, John Wall is the Hongwu Emperor of the Big Blue Dynasty," Calipari will say. The crowd will cheer madly. Of course right now John Calipari could stand up in front of the UK fan base and say, "When each of your daughters turn 18, they belong to Patrick Patterson." And people would cheer even louder, tossing their camouflage UK hats high into the air in raucous celebration. "By God, Suzy Lee's son is going to have some height," they'd say.



But false bravado aside, Coach Cal is nervous, very nervous as night comes to China. He's sitting down in the Beijing Kentucky Fried Chicken (you know he'll eat there) attempting to enjoy his drum stick and coke, while all the while the gnawing fear of the NCAA investigation stalks his every move. What if someone talks? He takes a bite of his drumstick, stares over his hunched shoulder. Reaches up to assure that his Chinese hair gel is still working, that his hair hasn't moved, that the sangfroid Coach Cal exterior is still in place. How could he, he of all people, have forgotten to pack his hair gel?

Because he's scared, very scared.

Cal knows recruiting one-year players for college basketball is built on a mountain of lies. They all pile up, one after the other so rapidly that it's hard to know the calculus of collapse. Careers are always, precariously, one Jenga block being pulled away from ruin. That's why Cal's looking over his shoulder. Why he's hoping that even on the other side of the world, people don't become aware of all the nervous tics that give away his fear.

Fortunately, I know the 10 signs that Cal is nervous.

1. He's changed the names on his telephone numbers so that "World Wide Wes" now appears as "Bill Keightley's widow."

2. After weeks of telephoning Kentucky football coach Rich Brooks with this plea, "I'm telling you, you've got to look at A.J. Stewart as a tight end, he'd be a stud." He's now given up pawning off Stewart on anyone else.

3. The other day he drove by Billy Clyde's abandoned house and thought to himself, "Man, Gillispie's one lucky guy."

4. He's shelved plans for his own Lexington restaurant, a la Pitino, because the first question he was asked was, "Do you want banners hanging from the ceiling?"

5. On late night walks around the Kentucky basketball offices he occasionally pauses in front of Adolph Rupp's portrait and repeats over and over again, "I am not a crook, I am not a crook, I am not a crook."

6. He logs onto CatsPause, pours a full glass of bourbon, and reads threads from anonymous posters because they make him feel better. Even if some of them misspell his name.

7. He no longer uses the UMass Final Four banner as his bedspread because he's making room for the one from Memphis.

8. After 498 consecutive tic-tac-toe losses, Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart finally beat him in a game since Cal neglected to make any moves. When Barnhart exulted over his victory on his sixth move, Coach Cal didn't even bother to explain that Barnhart was playing against himself.

9. While appearing before a group of alums in Owensboro, Ky., Calipari exulted, "I love it here. Absolutely love it. I will never leave Memphis, cross my heart."

10. As he stares at the Great Wall, Calipari sighs, then turns to his traveling companions and says, "Check with Governor Beshear about building one of these on the banks of the Ohio. I want it in my contract. When the NCAA mongols come for me, and they will come, they'll be traveling south from Indiana. A wall will stall them. I'll be gone from here by then."