In my last post about West Virginia winning the NIT, I spoke glowingly about Mountaineer head coach John Beilein. It occurs to me now that since I'd like for Beilein to stay at WVU, I should revise those thoughts, and offer a few other facts* about Mr. Beilein and how he chooses to behave.The headline is true*. I saw it one day*. I was hanging out outside the WVU coliseum after class once, and John Beilein came walking out of the door. A lady was walking her dog, and Beilein stopped to pet the cute little animal*. The coach said, "Aww, you're a cute little doggy! Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a good little doggy?"* And then he came over to me, grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth, and extinguished it in the puppy's eyeball, right in front of the lady.* As the puppy cried, Beilein then laughed, and thrust his arms in the air in celebration.*
This other time, I was cruising through campus, and I saw John Beilein talking to senior center Rob Summers.* Beilein asked Summers where he was going, and Summers said, "to class," and then Beilein tried to give Summers a 40 oz. bottle of Olde English.* Summers said, "Coach, I don't want to drink, I want to learn." And then Beilein punched Summers in the stomach* and screamed at him, "LEARNING IS FOR DORKS!"* Summers began to cry, and in front of dozens of other students, Beilein gave him a wedgie, tearing the waistband completely out of his boxer shorts*.
John Beilein is also the head of all organized crime on the eastern seaboard.* If you've done cocaine in the Eastern half of the United States at any time over the past four years, chances are, that cocaine was cut and processed by WVU basketball players* in the WVU coliseum* on the orders of John Beilein*. Jamie Smalligan is only on scholarship because he was willing to act as a drug mule* and swallow pounds and pounds of cocaine wrapped in little balloons* and transfer them in to America from Columbia*. His bowels are still a mess,* and John Beilein doesn't care.*
I just thought you should be aware of these things, Michigan. Please, for the love of everything holy, hire someone else.
NOTE:
* = is not at all true and may have been made up in the hopes that it will cause Michigan to lose all interest in hiring John Beilein.
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
nice very original
John Beilein sounds like the kind of person that will fit right in at the U of Michigan. Drugs, fights and arrogance are all part of their athletic programs!!
OH... you should go ahead and post that he's already accepted the position on your website!! That's worked the last 2 times someone has come after WVU coaches (Beilein last April and Coach Rod in December).
If you could go ahead and get on that... that would be great. Thanks.
you know Summers is more of a King Cobra or St. Ides kinda guy.
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Hey, mjd, just to follow up on your fine, hard-hitting investigative smack-down (and let's face it--someone had to say it):
Actually, I believe it was a 40-ounce can, not bottle, and it's Colombia with an "o"...but, speaking of South American racketeering, this just in: I have it on unquestioned authority that Mr. B has aligned with Chavez in "reassigning" (read: confiscating) private-property rights in Venezuela. This on top of his role in short-selling and improperly inflating Citgo stock. You seen the gas prices in Morgantown lately? Connect the dots, amigos. This was all being kept under wraps by the UN subcommittee investigating Basketballers Unilaterally Looting Largesse until the NIT (being held across town) was finished. Perhaps more pernicious is this would-be Wolverine's total disdain for precious lil' critters, as you so graphically illustrated in your piece. I know a guy who has a pal who works for a guy whose daughter, ya' know, dated this jerk whose cousin went to school at Canisius, and he can verify all of this, every little bit of it. And while I am not in the habit of scandalmongering, or passing along third-party accounts as unvarnished truth, I consider it almost my civic duty in right now blowing the lid off Mr. B's seamy, cynical involvement in the hush-hush black-market offset carbon-credit fiasco. Pretending to be an Al Gore eco-disciple, in truth he is a shameless profiteer who couldn't care less if someday the Monongahela caught fire or all the fishies in Cheat Lake overheated and stank to high heaven. Bad, bad man. In conclusion, not to further besmirch this duplicitously fine man's character, but I know for a fact that he cheats at Sudoku. My neighbor who goes to WVU has a friend who rooms with a pre-med student who met a guy at a TKE party who saw him one day at the 'Lair flipping pages while doing the puzzle. At least he thinks it was Coach B. That's good enough for me. I'm no lawyer, but I know what "prima facie" means, sort of.
Will it be good enough for those gathering vultures of that lesser Mo'town to the north, who seek to swoop into the Greater Mo'town and steal what is not rightly theirs? Surely they know not what might await them. So let me say this: to the good people of Michigan--be careful what you wish for. If you're able to pull this off, well...by the time he gets done with you, Ann Arbor will seem more like Rosie O'Donnell. And then JS and I won't be the only ones with irritable bowel syndrome.
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That can't be true... everyone knows Rob Summers wears whitey tightys.
Eh . . . let him go.
If Coach Beilein were as terrible as you write, why did WVU keep him around? You should do something more creative with your active imagination!
At least interesting, found it very original in a sick way.